my emetophobia

to blog

[note from the author: i wrote this blog post back in 2020, and i am actually shocked by my language and the photos i used HAHA. this is now an edited version of my 2025 self reflecting on this journey. but don't worry. i left in my very much real experiences. enjoy!]

On one dazzling, life-changing night, at approximately 9:17 PM, a legend was brought into the world.

Yeah. That's right. It's me.

you can't see my eyes but they're there i promise.

Crazy, right? I understand if you freak out right now. It isn't everyday that you get to read about the personal life of a celebrity.

me taking a dump. we're getting real close and personal real quick huh :-D

Anyways, moving on. I have only ever talked about this particular issue to very few people, so sharing this story on the internet makes me feel a little bit nervous and … silly. Oh! And in case you didn't notice from the title, it's about my emetophobia, which is, a fear of throwing up. SO, if I start making like no sense in the middle, I apologize. Yes that's all I can give you lol.

Where should I start this off? I guess I'll start from the beginning. From the ripe age of 1.

I was a fat baby.

I pretty much ate everything that was in sight, and even heard stories of me accidentally eating flies off the ground. And off the windowsill. What else can I say, other than that I was thriving? (i'm disgusting)

my aunt at the top, my older sister in the middle, and, you guessed it, my shining self at the bottom.

After I turned 3, one day out of the blue, I threw up for the first time. And another. And another. Constantly, for several days to weeks (i actually can't remember).

My parents took me to countless hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong with me. But none of the doctors knew the answer.

Now I was clearly too young to have vivid memories of this, but somehow the feeling remains. It still fascinates me how our bodies can remember a certain trauma even when our minds cannot recall the specific memory. And this event must've been one of THOSE because that feeling began affecting almost everything in my life. 3 year-old me was DONE. I bet I was like, "yo mom, put me back into your stomach. i've had enough of life." I went from fat baby to skinny legend in a couple years.

my ugly ahh middle school days (me in pink). sorry for ruining your eyes.

Anyways, from that point forward, I developed a severe fear towards vomiting — not just the action of me doing it, but even the mention of the word.

These are some things I experienced:

In elementary school, some kid threw up in the lunch room and I didn't even see it, but I heard people talking about it and it made me almost also throw up too.
In middle school, if I knew we were running the mile in PE, I wouldn't be able to eat my lunch because I was afraid running after eating would make me vomit. Like an equation. Eat + run = vomit.
In high school, I threw up bagel bites once and I was OUT for 3 days after. And it ruined the food for me forever.

Basically, these three things:

1) If I heard the word or saw a movie scene with it, I thought about it constantly for that whole day.

2) I never finished any of my food because for some reason in my head, the last bite would always be "too much" for my stomach to handle and burst.

3) I avoided foods that I've had bad experiences with or other people had bad experiences with, and avoided activities that caused me to throw up.

4) If I felt the slightest bit nauseous, I got super anxious and psyched myself into thinking I was going to throw up and spiral into a panic attack. Because the anxiety I felt from it caused me to feel more nauseous, and in turn make me more anxious, and that would make me more nauseous and then more anxious and then more nauseous and then more anxious and then — you get the point.

It was so weird.

And honestly, I didn't really understand it myself. Like, why was I so terrified of this? How were other people not scared of it? And why did I allow it to fully control my entire life?

And I could never put it into words until I heard someone tell me about emetophobia.

what is emetophobia?

Emetophobia is an overwhelming fear of vomiting or seeing other people vomit, which interferes with the individual's daily life and social activities. According to osmosis.org, "People with emetophobia may experience anxiety, panic attacks, and distress when triggers are present."

Woah! That's insane! It's literally me!

At age 18, in my junior year of high school, I've been validated of my fears.

Honestly, the fear has slowly worn off over time (praise God) and I eat better than ever LOL. But I don't go a day without thinking about it at least once (in 2020; in 2022 i hit the worst season of panic attacks, but began recovering afterwards for realsies in 2023!).

It kind of sucks because my fear of throwing up pretty much took over half of my life. I didn't do many of the things the other kids did because I was afraid it would make me yak again.

trying to do my homework but having a panic attack like 😗✌️

And yeah, I wish that my stressful and painful memories of this event would just go away so I don't have to live by this fear. But I am also glad I went through the suffering.

Not to sound like a psychopath who loves pain or anything.

That moment alone single-handedly has taught me countless life lessons and walked me through life as one of my toughest obstacles.

In short, it has truly shaped me into the amazing person I am today.

A coward.